In the back of my mind,

 

a small voice whimpers,

 

"This is what you left me behind for?"

 

You,

 

who had me crying for your lies about our adoptive dad.

 

You

 

who teased me for being 'perfect'.

 

Who broke windows and snuck out to party.

 

Who taught me how to pop pimples

 

and make wishes on eyelashes.

 

You locked me in closets with small round tablets

 

you were supposed to take.

 

You.

 

Who was a child too old to take. Traumatized by a mother

 

who sold your sister for drugs.

 

Who had your brother arrested for stealing.

 

A mother whose husband raped your brother,

 

Yet she stayed with him anyway.

 

A mother who threw your little sister in a dumpster

 

and tried to hide from her invisible enemies nearby.

 

She is who you ran back to,

 

away from me.

 

Before you were ready to hold your own,

 

before you could take any care of yourself.

 

She is who our sisterhood

 

died for.

 

This is the life you ran towards.

 

A life with diseased Rhinos

 

and twice spent life insurance.

 

Nights in Walmart parking lots.

 

With no teeth and meat on your bones.

 

With a child, you can't understand

 

and a teen who wants to take her own life.

 

This is what you left me for.

 

There are few options for me.

 

That I am either too selfish to care

 

or it is my heart that is too shattered to bear.