Divorce and Change: Forgive yourself

Hundreds of thousands of them a year. Destroying hearts wherever it happens. Wreaking havoc in households across America. Divorce. And this year, it occurred to me. No one prepares you for how hard it will be to forgive yourself in the aftermath.

It’s not uncommon. It’s not something that holds the shame it once did. And yet, I still feel it. At any moment, many emotions and thoughts flitter through the mind: dread of a new life I need to think up and plan out, the realization that I’d let things go wrong for Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

Hundreds of thousands of them a year. Destroying hearts wherever it happens. Wreaking havoc in households across America. Divorce. And this year, it occurred to me.

It’s not uncommon. It’s not something that holds the shame it once did. And yet, I still feel it. At any moment, a multitude of emotions and thoughts flitter through the mind: dread of a new life I need to think up and plan out, the realization that I’d let things go wrong for way too long, acceptance for the things I did wrong, forgiveness for those he did, and wonder at the timeline of our relationship.

Four months after this decision, my life has rapidly changed. I went from owning a large, five-bedroom, three-bath house to renting a seasonal apartment. Before that, I had a doting husband who had slowly turned into a burgeoning alcoholic with a self-centered sense of anger and worth. How could I not wonder about the timeline?

I suppose one might argue that since I’m the one filing, I can hardly claim the divorce is happening “to” me. I’m sure the ex would agree. Or perhaps not, for that is how confused we were about each other at the end. We no longer understood what the other was capable of. A better term is no longer trusting. And when trust is broken and not worked on to repair, ignored in its accounting, how can a divorce not happen to me?

Though not the answer I was looking for, I’ve come to see it in a different light, eliminating the question altogether. Divorce does not happen to you. By action alone, it’s a mutual decision that forever changes your life. How we handle ourselves in reaction to each other decides the divorce. That way, I can take accountability for what I may have done, too.

I’d rather have loved than not, any day.

So here, I can find forgiveness for choosing someone wrong for me - for causing heartbreak on both our parts. A loveless life would not have been for me if I had learned anything. It’s the one thing truly worth putting faith in, for all things, not just people. So, I loved him, and I was simply a human mistaken about who he was. But remember, divorce does not happen to you. It’s a mutual decision. Too long, acceptance for the things I did wrong, forgiveness for those he did, and wonder at the timeline of our relationship.

Four months after this decision, my life has rapidly changed. I went from owning a large, five-bedroom, three-bath house to renting a seasonal apartment. Before that, I had a doting husband who had slowly turned into a burgeoning alcoholic with a self-centered sense of anger and worth. How could I not wonder about the timeline?

I suppose one might argue that since I’m the one filing, I can hardly claim the divorce is happening “to” me. I’m sure the ex would agree. Or perhaps not, for that is how confused we were about each other at the end. We no longer understood what the other was capable of. A better term is no longer trusting. And when trust is broken and not worked on to repair, ignored in its accounting, how can a divorce not happen to me?

Though not the answer I was looking for, I’ve come to see it in a different light, eliminating the question altogether. Divorce does not happen to you. By action alone, it’s a mutual decision that forever changes your life. How we handle ourselves in reaction to each other decides the divorce. That way, I can take accountability for what I may have done, too.

I’d rather have loved than not, any day.

So here, I can find forgiveness in myself for choosing someone so wrong for me and for causing heartbreak on both our parts.

And a lesson: I would not have a loveless life if I had learned anything about myself. It’s the one thing truly worth putting faith in, for all things, not just people. So, I loved him, and I was simply a human mistaken about who he was. But remember, divorce does not happen to you. It’s a mutual decision.